Have you had a traumatic experience in your life?
A couple of weeks ago, my mother went in for a routine operation. The week leading up to the operation was filled with preparations from buying new pj's to mentally prepare for the pain and discomfort that was definite following the procedure.
Intuition or Fear Manifestation
From a intuitive standpoint there were some indications and warning signs from the universe like a strange niggle that I just couldn't let go of. I of course brushed this off for nerves as my mother has never gone for a procedure that I knew of apart from actually giving birth to me. I checked in with the family to gauge if they had any uneasy feelings but I think we all just brushed them off as nerves. My parent's have a lady that helps them with cleaning in their home and she is basically part of the family at this point. She was crying all week and asking my mother not to go as she was convinced my mother was not going to come back and she needed her to come back. I only found this out a few days after the event along with another interesting bit of information. My mother explained that a few days before she had a nightmare that she was lying on a metal table in hospital viewing herself from a viewing deck similar to what one would see on the medical drama Grey's Anatomy. Well my spiritual side is screaming that these were warning signs but my logical Psychology mind says this dream was merely a manifestation of the fear she felt which was playing out in her dream state. Regardless what your viewpoint of this is, there must be value in following our 'gut instinct' right? More on Intuition in a next blog post...
The worst day of my life
Now I have had my fare share of traumatic events since childhood up to adulthood but none made me feel the way I did this day.
My family and I gathered during visiting hours to wait her in following her procedure and wait for her to regain full consciousness following anesthesia. She came out of recovery and was looking ok, she was talking a bit in confusion and had to have her oxygen levels increase with a oxygen mask which resulted in a game of her pulling it off in her confused state and we putting it back on...constantly. About an 1.5 hrs went by and she was still confused and up to this point we were told it was normal and everyone wakes up in their own time. Nurses were in and out to check on her and we were allowed to stay beyond visiting hours...I think they could very much feel that we were going nowhere. The machines were beeping constantly throughout this experience as nurses came in to adjust and check on her throughout and there were no sign of real concern, until....
My mom started to go to sleep, which we felt was normal, having been for a few procedures ourselves over the years. She was snoring a bit which was again normal for her so we just sat by her side and waited. The nurse came in to check on her and all of a sudden there was a panic in her voice. She started shaking my moms leg and calling her name trying to get her to answer. Then she was up and out of the room and returned shortly with a supervisor. Then things went terribly wrong, the nurse started pressing hard on my mother's chest and with panic the supervisor instructed her to hit the emergency button.
Somehow my family was ushered out of the room but I stood frozen, looking on at what was happening with utter shock, fear and disbelief. I was confused and yet clear that my mother was dying right in front of me. The nurse shouted for a crash cart and when it didn't come immediately she yelled for the stuff to run (trying to get the crash card there asap). I think I must have been white as a sheet. There was another patient next to my mom and we chatted throughout the day so we were rather acquainted at this point. She called me over and as I went to her I broke down in a mixture of absolute despair and hyperventilation. She held my hand so tightly while her eyes was closed...later I learnt that she was praying. This poor woman lost her husband in a heart attack a few months prior and she must have been reliving her own trauma. I thank her for forcing me to move away from that spot as I am sure there was a lot more that I could never un-see if I had stayed planted on that spot. At this point a nurse came to remove me out of the room and I just remember so many machines, noise and people around until I finally made it out of the room with my family.
Having been inside while they were standing outside they started peppering me with questions thinking that I might have some answers to relief some of their confusion and fear. I didn't have answers. We stood huddled together in a state of absolute shock and for the first time in my life I really experienced what it felt like to feel hopeless and petrified. We were all pale with morbid expressions on our faces as we watched staff running in and out of the room making sure that they close the door behind them so we were unable to see what was going on. Staff were bring in equipment and taking things away but the most disturbing part is that no one wanted to make eye contact. I was sure this was a terrible sign and somehow had to prepare for the worst while my whole world was tumbling down around me. Emergency staff speedily walked past us followed by an ER doctor. I kept hearing what I can only imagine the crash cart to be saying 'Stop CPR, Stop CPR'. I wished they could just put the damned thing off as I thought it could mean there was nothing more they could do. We huddled together to ask for assistance from God in our own ways and our own belief systems each knowing this was our only control of the situation.
I have no idea how much time passed, it could be minutes or hours. Finally a nurse came out to tell us that someone will be out shortly to give us an update. We asked her if my mother was breathing...she said: 'I can't tell you that' which added to the feeling that she has died. I started hearing some communication from the ER doctor in the room and it seemed like he was talking to my mother...some hope reappeared but still everyone coming in and out of the room looked somber and wouldn't make eye contact. It was days later that the nurses told my mom that they all thought it was going to end very differently as her whole body turned as blue as the privacy curtains in the room. It is a miracle that she is alive and that she didn't have any neurological damage due to lack of oxygen for so long. Sobering thought!
Finally the original nurse came out to speak with us. She was the nurse who alerted everyone and started palpitations on my moms chest. She said: 'We managed to save her'. We all broke down then and held her, thanking her and crying. When she went back in my dad and I just slid down to the floor with our backs against the wall. Somehow relieved but scared. Our lives forever changed in that moment. Like every cell in our bodies had experienced a shock wave that has slightly altered us to the core of our being forever more.
We were asked to go wait in the waiting area as my mom would be moved to ICU shortly. As we sat waiting the surgeon ran past and the anaesthetist who were present and operated on my mother that afternoon. It was only days later that we were told that the surgeon returned as he thought he would need to operate again due to bleeding as this has never happened before. The anaesthetist were equally confused and they all were working on theories on what could have transpired. We were then asked to go to the fourth floor ICU where my mom would be treated further. Again we were met by the Anaesthetist, surgeon, ER specialist doctor and the nurses that attended the emergency. They theorised that the morphine that was given to her during the operation caused her throat to close due to an un-diagnosed Sleep Apnoea condition. They would monitor her through the night and we must now go home and be on call for the ICU staff.
We walked out of the quiet hospital. The earlier hustle and bustle has long since seized and we make our way to the sparse parking lot. Emotionally and physically drained and a knowing that our lives have someone forever changed in this experience. Driving home in the midnight darkness served as a mirror to what we all felt within that was so difficult to explain. I felt like I wanted to be small. Like a wanted to make myself small in order to be safe. Nothing was safe anymore. I remember thinking that this was what agoraphobia must feel like that I have studies so extensively in University but only now have a true appreciation for. I felt an extreme fear of everything and anything surrounding me. I wanted to lock myself in my home and never leave again. It felt like if I extended my arm out to the side that I would be exposing myself to danger. I felt extreme fear of being in a car accident driving home even though there were hardly any traffic. Every nerve in my body was so sensitive and severed that it felt like it somehow needed to repair itself by making new connections throughout my body. When we got home, my husband and son were asleep and I was in a state of extreme fear and I knew if I didn't do something to help myself heal now that I would possibly stay in the state of fear and frowziness forever.
EFT superhero
As I sat on a stool in my painfully quiet living room I tried to gain some control. My mind was searching and I remembered EFT. I knew what to do...I could do this (gaining a tiny sliver of control again). Knowing that I needed extreme help I felt that I needed to combine 3 elements of EFT (you can find all 3 elements in my online course ProTap™ - Enhance your life with EFT) and I went to work:
Step 1: Collarbone Breathing Technique
I knew that I needed to reset my brain in order to prevent any unhealthy connections from forming following this experience.
Step 2: EFT setup and sequence
I started tapping on fear and the feelings I felt in my body starting with a 10 on the SUDS measurement scale i.e. the highest emotional intensity level felt. (Please note that you can use the below as a guide for your own emotional work similar to a tapping script but it is always best to firstly work with an EFT Practitioner for trauma and secondly to use your own words and really get personal instead of using tapping scripts. This ensures that you work on yourself particularly and that the wording on the script doesn't lead to secondary trauma or open up wounds that you are not ready to work on yet. Scripts are general usually and to be used as examples...the below is the wording I used for my personal situation so very personal to me. I share this example just so you can see how to get really personal in your tapping work.)
The days that followed
I am so grateful to report that my mom recovered so well and is perfectly fine. She is making great progress to heal her body and her mind.
For myself, I needed another session of EFT the next day on the issue as the fear started to creep back a little but not at all as severe as it was that night. It has now been almost a month and my body and mind feels like it has normalized and I haven't had any further concerns or overwhelming emotions since.
Intuition or Fear Manifestation
From a intuitive standpoint there were some indications and warning signs from the universe like a strange niggle that I just couldn't let go of. I of course brushed this off for nerves as my mother has never gone for a procedure that I knew of apart from actually giving birth to me. I checked in with the family to gauge if they had any uneasy feelings but I think we all just brushed them off as nerves. My parent's have a lady that helps them with cleaning in their home and she is basically part of the family at this point. She was crying all week and asking my mother not to go as she was convinced my mother was not going to come back and she needed her to come back. I only found this out a few days after the event along with another interesting bit of information. My mother explained that a few days before she had a nightmare that she was lying on a metal table in hospital viewing herself from a viewing deck similar to what one would see on the medical drama Grey's Anatomy. Well my spiritual side is screaming that these were warning signs but my logical Psychology mind says this dream was merely a manifestation of the fear she felt which was playing out in her dream state. Regardless what your viewpoint of this is, there must be value in following our 'gut instinct' right? More on Intuition in a next blog post...
The worst day of my life
Now I have had my fare share of traumatic events since childhood up to adulthood but none made me feel the way I did this day.
My family and I gathered during visiting hours to wait her in following her procedure and wait for her to regain full consciousness following anesthesia. She came out of recovery and was looking ok, she was talking a bit in confusion and had to have her oxygen levels increase with a oxygen mask which resulted in a game of her pulling it off in her confused state and we putting it back on...constantly. About an 1.5 hrs went by and she was still confused and up to this point we were told it was normal and everyone wakes up in their own time. Nurses were in and out to check on her and we were allowed to stay beyond visiting hours...I think they could very much feel that we were going nowhere. The machines were beeping constantly throughout this experience as nurses came in to adjust and check on her throughout and there were no sign of real concern, until....
My mom started to go to sleep, which we felt was normal, having been for a few procedures ourselves over the years. She was snoring a bit which was again normal for her so we just sat by her side and waited. The nurse came in to check on her and all of a sudden there was a panic in her voice. She started shaking my moms leg and calling her name trying to get her to answer. Then she was up and out of the room and returned shortly with a supervisor. Then things went terribly wrong, the nurse started pressing hard on my mother's chest and with panic the supervisor instructed her to hit the emergency button.
Somehow my family was ushered out of the room but I stood frozen, looking on at what was happening with utter shock, fear and disbelief. I was confused and yet clear that my mother was dying right in front of me. The nurse shouted for a crash cart and when it didn't come immediately she yelled for the stuff to run (trying to get the crash card there asap). I think I must have been white as a sheet. There was another patient next to my mom and we chatted throughout the day so we were rather acquainted at this point. She called me over and as I went to her I broke down in a mixture of absolute despair and hyperventilation. She held my hand so tightly while her eyes was closed...later I learnt that she was praying. This poor woman lost her husband in a heart attack a few months prior and she must have been reliving her own trauma. I thank her for forcing me to move away from that spot as I am sure there was a lot more that I could never un-see if I had stayed planted on that spot. At this point a nurse came to remove me out of the room and I just remember so many machines, noise and people around until I finally made it out of the room with my family.
Having been inside while they were standing outside they started peppering me with questions thinking that I might have some answers to relief some of their confusion and fear. I didn't have answers. We stood huddled together in a state of absolute shock and for the first time in my life I really experienced what it felt like to feel hopeless and petrified. We were all pale with morbid expressions on our faces as we watched staff running in and out of the room making sure that they close the door behind them so we were unable to see what was going on. Staff were bring in equipment and taking things away but the most disturbing part is that no one wanted to make eye contact. I was sure this was a terrible sign and somehow had to prepare for the worst while my whole world was tumbling down around me. Emergency staff speedily walked past us followed by an ER doctor. I kept hearing what I can only imagine the crash cart to be saying 'Stop CPR, Stop CPR'. I wished they could just put the damned thing off as I thought it could mean there was nothing more they could do. We huddled together to ask for assistance from God in our own ways and our own belief systems each knowing this was our only control of the situation.
I have no idea how much time passed, it could be minutes or hours. Finally a nurse came out to tell us that someone will be out shortly to give us an update. We asked her if my mother was breathing...she said: 'I can't tell you that' which added to the feeling that she has died. I started hearing some communication from the ER doctor in the room and it seemed like he was talking to my mother...some hope reappeared but still everyone coming in and out of the room looked somber and wouldn't make eye contact. It was days later that the nurses told my mom that they all thought it was going to end very differently as her whole body turned as blue as the privacy curtains in the room. It is a miracle that she is alive and that she didn't have any neurological damage due to lack of oxygen for so long. Sobering thought!
Finally the original nurse came out to speak with us. She was the nurse who alerted everyone and started palpitations on my moms chest. She said: 'We managed to save her'. We all broke down then and held her, thanking her and crying. When she went back in my dad and I just slid down to the floor with our backs against the wall. Somehow relieved but scared. Our lives forever changed in that moment. Like every cell in our bodies had experienced a shock wave that has slightly altered us to the core of our being forever more.
We were asked to go wait in the waiting area as my mom would be moved to ICU shortly. As we sat waiting the surgeon ran past and the anaesthetist who were present and operated on my mother that afternoon. It was only days later that we were told that the surgeon returned as he thought he would need to operate again due to bleeding as this has never happened before. The anaesthetist were equally confused and they all were working on theories on what could have transpired. We were then asked to go to the fourth floor ICU where my mom would be treated further. Again we were met by the Anaesthetist, surgeon, ER specialist doctor and the nurses that attended the emergency. They theorised that the morphine that was given to her during the operation caused her throat to close due to an un-diagnosed Sleep Apnoea condition. They would monitor her through the night and we must now go home and be on call for the ICU staff.
We walked out of the quiet hospital. The earlier hustle and bustle has long since seized and we make our way to the sparse parking lot. Emotionally and physically drained and a knowing that our lives have someone forever changed in this experience. Driving home in the midnight darkness served as a mirror to what we all felt within that was so difficult to explain. I felt like I wanted to be small. Like a wanted to make myself small in order to be safe. Nothing was safe anymore. I remember thinking that this was what agoraphobia must feel like that I have studies so extensively in University but only now have a true appreciation for. I felt an extreme fear of everything and anything surrounding me. I wanted to lock myself in my home and never leave again. It felt like if I extended my arm out to the side that I would be exposing myself to danger. I felt extreme fear of being in a car accident driving home even though there were hardly any traffic. Every nerve in my body was so sensitive and severed that it felt like it somehow needed to repair itself by making new connections throughout my body. When we got home, my husband and son were asleep and I was in a state of extreme fear and I knew if I didn't do something to help myself heal now that I would possibly stay in the state of fear and frowziness forever.
EFT superhero
As I sat on a stool in my painfully quiet living room I tried to gain some control. My mind was searching and I remembered EFT. I knew what to do...I could do this (gaining a tiny sliver of control again). Knowing that I needed extreme help I felt that I needed to combine 3 elements of EFT (you can find all 3 elements in my online course ProTap™ - Enhance your life with EFT) and I went to work:
Step 1: Collarbone Breathing Technique
I knew that I needed to reset my brain in order to prevent any unhealthy connections from forming following this experience.
Step 2: EFT setup and sequence
I started tapping on fear and the feelings I felt in my body starting with a 10 on the SUDS measurement scale i.e. the highest emotional intensity level felt. (Please note that you can use the below as a guide for your own emotional work similar to a tapping script but it is always best to firstly work with an EFT Practitioner for trauma and secondly to use your own words and really get personal instead of using tapping scripts. This ensures that you work on yourself particularly and that the wording on the script doesn't lead to secondary trauma or open up wounds that you are not ready to work on yet. Scripts are general usually and to be used as examples...the below is the wording I used for my personal situation so very personal to me. I share this example just so you can see how to get really personal in your tapping work.)
Round 1
Setup: Tapping on KC
Even though I am overcome with fear, I love and accept myself;
Even though I am in shock, I accept myself completely;
Even though I am overwhelmed, I completely and utterly accept myself.
Sequence: Tapping on each Accupoint I said something like:
TOH: I am a 10 on the scale;
EB: I am so overwhelmed;
SE: A feeling I have never experienced like this before;
UE: It feels like each cell in my body has experienced a shock;
UN: And that my cells have been forever changed somehow;
Ch: As I ride the shock waves of what happened;
CB: It feels like every nerve has been severed;
UA: And now each nerve ending is desperately sensitive trying to find a why to normality.
Take a deep breath in to center and take measurement
My measurement went from 10 to 8.
Round 2
Setup: Tapping on KC
Even though I am now an 8 on the scale, I love and accept myself;
Even though I am still feeling wrong, I accept myself completely;
Even though I feel like I will never be the same again, I completely and utterly accept myself.
Sequence: Tapping on each Accupoint I said something like:
TOH: Every nerve in my body feels tender;
EB: I am so overwhelmed;
SE: I feel like if I stick my arm out to the side;
UE: I will be in danger;
UN: I feel like I am fearing everything around me;
Ch: From driving to possible terrible things that could happen;
CB: to me or my family;
Even though I am still feeling wrong, I accept myself completely;
Even though I feel like I will never be the same again, I completely and utterly accept myself.
TOH: Every nerve in my body feels tender;
EB: I am so overwhelmed;
SE: I feel like if I stick my arm out to the side;
UE: I will be in danger;
UN: I feel like I am fearing everything around me;
Ch: From driving to possible terrible things that could happen;
CB: to me or my family;
UA: I want to lock myself in my home with my family and never leave.
Take a deep breath in to center and take measurement
My measurement went from 8 to 5.
For the next few rounds my measurement remained at 5 then down to 3 then 1.
Last round to reach zero on the scale
Setup: Tapping on KC
Even though I am now a 1 on the scale, I love and accept myself;
Even though I am feeling better, I accept myself completely;
Even though this has been an awful experience, I completely and utterly accept myself.
Sequence: Tapping on each Accupoint I said something like:
TOH: I went from a 10 to a 1 on the scale;
EB: The intense feeling of fear;
SE: is something I never want to experience again in my life;
UE: My body feels less intensely affected;
UN: I feel like I might be able to cope;
Ch: This was the worst day of my life;
CB: I am still unsure as my body acclimatize;
Step 3: 9 Gamut ProcedureI completed my EFT session with the 9 Gamut Procedure in order to lock in the progress I have made.
Even though I am feeling better, I accept myself completely;
Even though this has been an awful experience, I completely and utterly accept myself.
TOH: I went from a 10 to a 1 on the scale;
EB: The intense feeling of fear;
SE: is something I never want to experience again in my life;
UE: My body feels less intensely affected;
UN: I feel like I might be able to cope;
Ch: This was the worst day of my life;
CB: I am still unsure as my body acclimatize;
UA: I am so grateful that I have a tool to help me.
The days that followed
I am so grateful to report that my mom recovered so well and is perfectly fine. She is making great progress to heal her body and her mind.
For myself, I needed another session of EFT the next day on the issue as the fear started to creep back a little but not at all as severe as it was that night. It has now been almost a month and my body and mind feels like it has normalized and I haven't had any further concerns or overwhelming emotions since.
